Monday, September 26, 2011

Presidential Contenders: Dumb, Dumber, Dumbest

If you’re like me, you’re already sick of the 2012 presidential election. The near-perpetual campaign season is tiresome, and it’s only going to get worse. I’m on record as blaming Iowa and New Hampshire for a lot of this foolishness, but let me also say that Fox News and the rest of the cable news operators are doing their best to dumb down an important election into something akin to Dancing With the Stars.

As a public service, I give you my assessment of the candidates, and a prediction of how it will all turn out in 2012. With this as your guide, you can quit watching candidate debates and devote more time to American Idol and Biggest Loser.

Herman Cain - This guy is exactly the kind of fringe candidate who used to get ignored by the national media. He doesn’t understand the Constitution. He doesn’t understand what separation of church and state means. How did this jackass ever run a successful company? He will be gone after the first caucus, if not before.

Michelle Bachmann - Another fringe candidate. Honestly, how is she any different from the “Rent is Too Damn High” guy from New York? She is aggressively stupid, and has been saying aggressively stupid things for years. This may seem sexist, but if she was ugly, she would be ignored.

Mitt Romney - First, the negatives: He stands for absolutely nothing. He will say anything to get a vote. Now, the positives: He has the best chance to be the GOP nominee by simply appearing to be more normal than the rest of these clowns. He should offer to debate Rick Perry daily. Will the fact that he’s a Mormon matter?

Rick Perry - Talk about aggressively stupid. If the national media covered the campaign with any sort of depth or insight (I know), they would know that Perry is essentially a figurehead in Texas government. All the power in Texas resides in the Senate, and the Lt. Governor. Perry has been along for the ride for 10 years as governor, but the more he speaks outside Texas, the more people see that he is a male Michelle Bachmann. Imagine the evil, monstrous offspring those two would have...

Is anyone else running? Seriously?

Oh, yeah.

Ron Paul - He's entertaining, I'll give him that. Maybe someone will make him an ambassador to Oz, or something.

Newt Gingrich - His succubus wife torpedoed his campaign before it even started. Gingrich's ego is so big he doesn't realize that everyone hates him. Literally everyone.

Jon Huntsman - Who the hell is this guy? He was Obama’s ambassador to China? He was governor of Utah? Why does anyone like this guy? Or listen to him?

Rick Santorum - Who is this guy kidding?

I have not listed Sarah Palin as a candidate, because she is not one. She’s also not a politician; she is a media personality, little different than a Kardashian. Palin is all about money and the spotlight, and she can get that without running for President.

The Esteemed Incumbent
Barack Obama - What a tremendous failure. Jimmy Carter could kick his ass. How does a guy take office with a filibuster-proof majority and piss it away so quickly? Not once has Obama acted like he was in the majority. He may be the worst political negotiator of all time. I would love to play poker with this guy. I remember thinking during the 2008 campaign that he sounded good, and would maybe make a good President in a few years, with more experience under his belt, but not now. It’s easy to see now, the lack of executive experience, the gullibility. Still, to his credit, he didn’t pick Sarah Palin as his running mate.

Here’s what will happen: All but Romney and Perry will fall by the wayside early in 2012, leaving those two to fight for the nomination. It will be close, but Romney will win the GOP nomination, because he will say fewer stupid things than Perry. Conventional wisdom will say that Romney is the Republican with the best chance to defeat Obama, and everyone except the Tea Party fanatics will swallow that whole.

A few Tea Party lunatics will break off and try to run a third party candidate, but they won’t be able to get on enough state ballots to mount a serious challenge. They will, however, cost Romney a couple of states in November.

President Obama will be re-elected, because he will make a series of mesmerizing stump speeches, and he will absolutely obliterate Romney in the televised debates.

Four years later, no one will admit to ever voting for Obama either time.


Ralph Perdue Jr. said...

Huckabee should have ran. I may write in my vote for him, although the electronic voting card readers in OK won't know it... - Ralph

TodBryant said...

I met Huckabee one time. Decent guy. But decent guys don't run for President anymore...